whoa, whoa, whoa

I know, I know, for the three of you who actually read this, you were getting pretty used to my once-a-month-memory-post schedule. Stunning, but I already have something else to say. And it's not even a memory. Hold on to your hats, rodeo fans! (I can say that; this is Texas)

Today my best friend in the entire world says goodbye to someone she isn't ready to say goodbye to. In June, I said goodbye to an old friend that I hadn't talked to in nearly two years. A woman who loves me as her own daughter found herself with her other half the other day and without him the next. I find myself thinking of the world I lived in when my grandparents graced it as if it were a cracked and faded picture that I like to look at every day.

I would have told Dave that I wouldn't listen to music the same way if it weren't for him. I can't really watch a Wes Anderson film anymore without feeling that sadness that starts in your stomach and makes you forget how to breathe correctly. I don't even like cigarette smoke, but now I smell it differently, especially if it's mixed with coffee. In the scheme of things, Dave was a summer in my life, but I would not be the same if it weren't for his friendship.

I would have told Grammy that I will always wrestle with my faith (or lack thereof) because I want to be the person that loves as violently and sometimes as foolishly as she did. I don't want to be afraid to do that. I would have told Papa that I will never find a man that loves me much as he did.

And even in all of this, in the muck of loss and the way it twists your heart and makes you want to sleep, I am thankful for all of it. I would take a pounding of that twisting if I got to feel my grandma's hand within my own again, if I could help Papa plant his garden one more time, if I could listen to Bob Dylan records with Dave in his room. I like to think that if there is a heaven and I'm meant to be in it, I already know who is going to meet me there. I guess what I'm trying to say for those of us who have lost or will lose someone is we are not alone. We never can be. We were loved too much.